Insecurities? What insecurities?

I have been convicted of a crime: being insecure. Yes, I know. You might ask, “how could this be?” I will just shake my head and answer back, “I know…I know…it’s a shame.” After a while we might LOL a bit and then pretend that I didn’t bring up my own admission of this great flaw. “Like a snake eating it’s own tail!” I say: speaking of insecurities only makes me vulnerable and more insecure, which makes me more insecure, which makes me more vulnerable, which…

I don’t bring this up to alarm you, but only to come clean with my self. To you. About three years ago before I started studying bass seriously I was practicing on my own. Receiving a piece of music from the only “classical” bass lesson I had taken up to that point (a lesson from my soon to be private instructor at RMC), I tried my luck with Capuzzi’s bass concerto (most of the first movement) on my own. I thought I was doing okay with it, and that I would share my progress on my You Tube page. I wasn’t feeling too bad about it until I looked at the video and saw an upside down thumb on the page. That thumb meant loser. I know, dramatic, but that is how I felt. Yeah, in retrospect and all honesty, I sucked pretty bad, but it was still all too soon for me to see.

As I started studying I realized how much I couldn’t even come close to sounding like the professionals. I was too embarrassed and couldn’t share my progress for fear of more ridicule–this is one of our biggest fears, right? Getting up in front of a crowd of people and being laughed off the stage. Now us with this virtual stage, with the potential for millions of strangers at the ready to shoot you down, throw the rotten tomatoes–a cyber Waldorf and Statler berating!

I. Was. Doomed.

First I disabled the comments and then minutes after I took the video down. Erased it. No evidence of my inabilities. Gone. Now I regret that decision because I think it would be great to have that video here to contrast it three years later with a video of me preparing the Prelude from Bach’s cello suite in G major for my senior recital. Of course I know the flaws, but none the less I feel I should share. So here’s to insecurity, may we drink from it’s overflowing cup.

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